I think I’ve discovered a new rift in the space-time continuum. And by that, I mean a Piggly Wiggly Grocery store in The Plains, Ohio. Let me explain. I’ve always associated Piggly Wiggly with the South. It seems to be a Southern chain of stores. The only time I ever saw then was on vacation in South Carolina. So, you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that there was a Piggly Wiggly in Ohio, less than twenty minutes away from where I go to school. Naturally, I had to go and see it for myself. It had to be done. There was simply no other option.
It was a warm winter’s day, somewhere in the forties, and bright outside, but a substantial amount of snow still covered the ground from a recent storm, which, all added up, creates a just barely surreal effect that seemed fitting for the event. Not that I planned it that way. I was just low on food.
The strip mall where the store is didn’t disappoint. It has a very dated quality which looks like a relic from the ‘80s or some such time period. One of the very first things I noticed about the place was how large the shopping carts are. I think they’re even larger than Walmart’s, though the store is much smaller than Walmart. This is obviously an unusually high shopping cart to store size ratio. Admittedly, I have yet to elucidate the ontological meaning of the large carts, but they added to the surrealism of the experience which I appreciated.
The store itself is relatively normal and nice, though it maintains that slightly dated quality of its exterior in a somewhat ethereal way, like it was sort of lost to time. As if someone forgot to close up shop a couple of decades ago.
The food selection was perfectly adequate for my purposes, though the egg varieties compared to Walmart were limited. The cans of diced tomatoes were dented but I don’t really count that as a knock against the store, since it gave them a little character. Diced tomato cans aren’t exactly the pinnacle of aesthetic achievement. The bags of Conn’s tortilla chips were basically half air but the top of the bag was covered mostly with graphics, possibly to obscure that fact. This isn’t really Piggly Wiggly’s fault but I considered it an insult to my intelligence nonetheless. I bought one anyway because I like nachos.
I believe that the Piggle Wiggly brand is called “Food Club” which is an interesting name. Why is it called that? Is it exclusive in some way? Is it referring to the people who purchase Food Club items or is it a club where the foods themselves are the members? I got some of the Food Club version of Cheerios.
Another interesting feature of the store was the battery section. The graphics were visibly faded and appeared to be from the early 2000’s evoking a slight hint of nostalgia. There was also a banner above the checkout lines depicting Joe Burrow as a high school and college football player. He hails from The Plains, and they seem to be proud of him and his Heisman Trophy.
Finally, the pièce de résistance of the whole P-Dub’s probably has to be the pickled pigs’ feet. Yep. You saw that right, folks. Pickled pigs’ feet. I didn’t spend too much time analyzing this culinary monstrosity, but it certainly didn’t look like something a human should be consuming. I’d imagine it would be healthier to chain-smoke an entire pack of cigarettes than eat one of those things. But again, it added to the overall experience, so not really a negative in my book. Though, if you think about it, this may have some rather disturbing implications. How does Piggly Wiggly allow this sort of thing in his own store? Either he’s a heartless psychopath who’s okay with selling the severed appendages of his own species in a briny liquid, or he’s losing his grip on his own business. An alternative explanation is that Piggly has sadly died and his business has failed to maintain the values of its founder. This is more likely considering that the Food Club brand dates to 1945 and the average domestic pig lifespan is only about 15-20 years according to rurallivingtoday.com. You don’t exactly have to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce Mr. Wiggly’s probable demise. Hopefully RFK will be able to sort this one out when he takes over the FDA, but in any case, there needs to be some kind of inquiry.
In conclusion, I’d rank this Piggly Wiggly a 7/10 overall as a grocery store, but a 10/10 as an experience. If you ever think your life could use just a little more surrealism, and you happen to live near The Plains, Ohio, look no further than your local Piggly Wiggly.